I Am Delicious

Since discovering the delightful world of blogging I’ve come to know many of you through your blogs. I’ve come to know your ups and downs, your highs and lows. I’ve come to know your families, your likes, your dislikes and all your many facets. I’ve come to know your private parts. The private parts of your life, that is. What the hell did you think I was talking about? Damn Perverts.

And through it all I’ve come to regard many of you as part of my extended family. Yes, I consider many of you family—just one big, happy family; just one big, happy, dysfunctional, delusional, in need of some cheap therapy and meds family. But family, all the same.

So it should come as no surprise to you, my big, messed-up, sloppy family, when I tell you that I have been exercising…again. Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “Why do you need to exercise when you have such a delicious body to begin with?” I keep this body delicious BECAUSE I exercise—not all the time, only when I’ve had it with being nasty tasting and no longer delicious. So, when I start to reek on the inside, it’s time to transform the geek on the outside, and thus begins the exercise regimen…again.

Currently, on alternate days, I am lifting weights and running. Getting started is the hardest part, but now that I have been underway for over a month I find that I am becoming addicted to exercise…again. This is good because I have an addictive personality. One of the joys of having an addictive personality is that when I’m addicted to something good, like exercise, then that’s a good thing. On the flip side, when you’re addicted to something bad, like pot or alcohol or pills or hallucinogens, or nitrous, or Boston Baked Beans, or Coke Slurpees, or Chocolate Chip Cookies or Brownies or Entenmanns, then that’s a bad thing.

Oh sure, there was a time when I indulged here and there in the booze and the pills and the grass and the hallucinogens and the nitrous, but those days are behind me now. That was a long time ago, before I met the wife, pre-1996. Now, I am a good boy and I lead a pure, clean life. Except for the sometimes Boston Baked Beans, Coke Slurpees, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Brownies and an entire box of Entenmanns all in one day.

These days I have a good wife and we have a good life. Oh sure, we've had our rough spots, like the time I drew her a warm bath sprinkled, not with rose petals, but with banana peels. Or the time I said the phrase “poop chute” over and over again for 24 hours straight. Or the time she went fishing, came home, saw that I did not clean the house and proceeded to beat my bare-naked buttocks with a giant flounder until I used our safety phrase, “NO, NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO, YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER!!!” Later that night she made the best flounder with just a hint of ass.

So yes, my new extended family! I've been exercising again to keep my delicious body and delicious mind...delicious.